Adventures in LA (Part I)

So, I was in LA last weekend and managed to (a) successfully flirt with the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my lifetime (aka Sofia Vergara from Modern Family) and (b) find myself in my first late night/early morning lesbonic foot pursuit since Seattle (only this time I was running with the girl instead of away from her, which made the whole experience much more enjoyable). Story (a) is below and I will post story (b) soon since I don't want to post a novella.

Saturday night I was having drinks at my favorite restaurant with a super-connected fan of my blog, who had taken it upon herself to make sure I had a banner weekend in LA (we'll call her "my Hostess"), when I noticed a breathtakingly beautiful woman a few tables away between us and the door, who I was informed was Sofia Vergara. Lucky for me, over the next hour or so, I had to make my way past her en route to the lobby twice because you can't talk on cell phones at this place. The first time I walked by she did a double take and on the second take just looked me right in the eye as I passed her table. The second time, she saw me coming, looked right at me and gave me a smile that made me weak in the knees.

Now, I've been within arms length of a lot of tiny famous women over the last several months who are pretty much famous for their beauty (choice examples: Jennifer Aniston and Eva Longoria), but I refer to these women as "pocket rockets," because even though by all accounts they should get me going, they are so tiny that I wouldn't even notice them in a crowded room or on the street. This is all to say that when I looked up to see Sofia striding back to her table later that night in all her tall, voluptuous glory, she was ten times more striking than any pocket rocket I had ever seen, to the point that I'm pretty sure my heart stopped for a second.

So you can imagine my delight when later that night my Hostess and I bumped into her in a hall leading to the garage, in her tight little black dress, violently adjusting her corset and cleavage in the hall mirror with her little spaghetti straps dangling around her elbows, asking her friend, "ees dees gooooood? Does dees look okaaayyy?" Now, she had clearly had a few drinks and for my part, I had been drinking tequila based cocktails since about 5, so nobody in this scenario was feeling any pain and I was feeling downright bold (in large part because of the 7+ hours of tequila consumption, but the eye contact in the restaurant and the firm belief that I would probably never see this woman again definitely helped). Emboldened by the knowledge that I had nothing to lose, I decided to engage in a little drive-by flirting on my way out the door.

When she heard us coming down the hall, she paused for a minute to look over her shoulder to see who it was, then gave me a quick little smile and turned back to adjusting herself in the mirror and asking her friend if "ees good." For a split second I contemplated offering a helping hand, but even my little tequila infused brain registered that that approach might not end well for me, so I decided to stick to compliments rather than the high-risk approach of offering aid because I've never met a woman who doesn't appreciate a compliment. As we squeezed past her in the hall and she asked her friend for the eighth time, "ees dees gooooood? does dees look okayyyyy?" while tugging at her corset and readjusting her cleavage, I met her eyes in the mirror as I slid behind her and assured her, "it's perfect, you look phenomenal, absolutely gorgeous." This got a big smile from her, and her friend who was proceeding out the door without her (clearly tired of the question and answer session) turned around and joined in, "the boobs are good right?" she asked rhetorically, prompting my compulsively honest self to clarify, "um, really... really just the whole package...yeah, the whole package is pretty phenomenal..." This got a big laugh from everyone and when she was done laughing, I got a very slow, sexy, "thaaaank youuuu baaaby..." from Sofia accompanied by a little wink as my Hostess and I headed out the door and I threw her a quick smile and a "you're welcome" over my shoulder because I never forget my manners.

As soon as we got to the end of the driveway, my Hostess grabbed my arm and said, "that was priceless! And that super flirty 'thank you' was totally genuine. I have dealt with enough famous people to tell you that she wasn't being polite and she wasn't trying to get rid of you. She was legitimately digging the attention from you. Very well-played..." I thought so too, my only regret as we bounced from one velvet rope, guest list only club to another (thanks to my fabulous Hostess and her connections) into the wee hours of the morning, was that I was so blinded by Sofia Vergara's beauty that no other woman I saw for the rest of the night even registered as attractive.

Thankfully, about 24 hours later around 1:30 monday morning, I realized with great relief that I had not been blinded for life when I found a Sofia-esque girl (5'9, overall skinny, but with popping curves, long gorgeous dark hair) beautiful enough to get my attention as I was leaving a club with my Hostess. The catch was that she was with a guy who was under the impression that he was going home with her. Let's just say he was incorrect (mostly because he wasn't counting on this little game changer with legs coming along) and hilarity ensued...to be continued...